Mornings with Mike

by Caton McKenna

The best part of the day for Mike is the morning after milking. This is when he is the most talkative, most opinionated, and most hilarious. (Yes, Boston and Nashville friends, milking can be a verb. Don’t freak out.) 

This could be due in part to the fact that I am not a morning person. By the time Mike gets back around 8:15AM, I am just waking up. I groggily enter the kitchen, mutter something incomprehensible, and reach for the coffee. Meanwhile, Mike regales me with news items, texts he has received in the wee hours of the morning from his farming friends, and words with friends updates and nudges.

I call this time Mike in the morning, because it is so opposite to Mike in the evening.

Mike’s dialogue, or rather monologue, consists of plenty of adages and sometimes pieces of advice.

Recently, I was trying to convince Mike that we should set up my friend with his friend. Mike concluded that his friend needs to follow his simple recipe for “getting a dream girl,”

This is how he broke it down:

  1. Make eye contact.
  2. Make her laugh/smile.
  3. Touch her. He was quick to specify that the gentleman caller should not do purple nurples or “honks”. Apparently those aren’t very successful with picking up women. Instead, a gentle touch of the hand, shoulder, etc. lets her know you’re interested in something more than friendship.
  4. Don’t talk “shop.” Explore something that’s interesting to her outside of work and ask her about it. Show you care.
  5. Make a plan for seeing her or communicating with her. Get her number or ask her on a date.

After this surprising list of recommendations, I asked him if this helped him get a lot of lovely ladies.

He replied:

Just one. The proof is in the pudding.

Colloquialism Count- 4,760 and counting 🙂